Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
