It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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