how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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