I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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