I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
