why didn't you poke me back
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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