my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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