Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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