GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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