I will die if light touches me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
