I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
