Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
