when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
