I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
