i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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