I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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