Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
