i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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