God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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