WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
