Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
