haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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