I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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Less talking, more tequila
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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