Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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