Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
