she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
