This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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