apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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