You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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