he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
