I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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