what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
