Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
