i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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