Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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