Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
