you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
