i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
