Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
