I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
