I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
