Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
