I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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