Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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