Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
