The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
