Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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