why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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