Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
