yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
