rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
