i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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