I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
