I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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