8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
