I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
