I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
