We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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