For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
